Rants on the Road

I'm in a rural community, but it's fairly modern, but I swear, drivers around here think they're on a farm access road or something. I come from a state known for bad (and angry) drivers, but the ones around here take the cake. I'll say it...these old farmers and farmers' wives are too old to be driving! I'm getting up there, but when the day comes that I can't drive right, take away my keys!

My first week here I saw 3 fender-benders in one day. That might not sound like much. Where I come from, you see at least one a day, and they usually during rush hour. This was not that. It was mid-day. Kids were in school, people where settled in at work, traffic wasn't heavy. No one was going particularly fast or trying to. In fact, traffic was rather slow. There was no excuse that I could see. I didn't get it. What the hell was going on here?

As time went on, I began to see what was going on. I think part of my problem is that because I'm retired, I'm usually out and about during the times of day the older also retired population is on the road. So I see more of what the old folks do, and it's scarier than a kid with cell phone in hand.

The kinds of things I see way too much:

Driving too slow. You know the joke. Can't see the driver's head so it's probably a little old lady hunched over the steering wheel. Or there's a hat just showing above the seat back. At least they mostly stay in the right lane, but you are at their mercy if you need to stay there for a turn and it takes forever to get to that turn.

Pulling out in front of you. What...is my car invisible? That's bad enough, but then they don't GO! They pull out, make you brake hard, and then just poke along like they're the only ones on the road. Are they ever surprised to look in the rear view mirror and see a car on their tail which they apparently didn't see coming when they pulled out? Do they look in the rear view at all? I get the feeling they can't feel the gas pedal or don't have the strength or reach to push it down.

About that. How can anyone drive effectively and safely when they are so close to the steering wheel their chin is practically against it? You've seen it. Elbows fully folded and tight to the chest, peering over the top of the steering wheel. You need some elbow room to maneuver. Most newer cars have a driver seat that can be adjusted a lot. You can raise it up, put the back away from the wheel while still keeping in reach of the pedals. You can adjust the steering wheel, too. Most of these seniors have newer cars, and it's often a nice sedan. It has all of those lovely adjustments. If your body is too old to fit any adjustments, you are too old to drive!

Speaking of nice cars, that's another running joke. Nice sedan = senior citizen. Beware. I'll add to that old truck = old farmer. Or sometimes shiny new one. My point is if it's driving like an old farmer, it probably is.

This next one is special. I mean really special and I'd never seen it before I moved down here. Stopping in the middle of the road and what...? I don't know, looking for a turn? Looking at a map or the directions? Looking at that thing over there? What??? I'm not talking about a country road. That's acceptable IF there's no one behind you. I'm talking about a divided highway with fast moving traffic. They just stop! Oh and there's no warning they are going to do something so stupid. You're clipping along at the speed limit or even over it, and then whoa...stop. Boy, have I been surprised by that brilliant move one too many times. And guess what? It's an old timer. You are not on the farm, dipstick!

Do I need to mention turn signals? Nobody...NOBODY...uses them! I want the guy behind me to know what I'm doing next. I really want to know what you intend to do. Is it that these old southern drivers didn't get drivers training? Oh that's right, they learned to drive on the farm in old trucks or tractors that didn't have turn signals. I want to know how in the hell they even pass a driver test when getting their license renewed. I think it should be mandatory every year after a certain age, and that would include the eye exam.

A little story about that. Back in the day, it was mandatory to take the written test every few years. I think now it's only required for those with a few accidents on record. I was renewing my license, and this little woman came up to me and begged me to help her with the test. I just looked at her and shook my head, and she looked back with pleading eyes, saying she didn't understand the questions. Or I don't know, maybe she couldn't read. Yeah right, lady. I'm going to help YOU get on the road. I watched as she went to other people. Don't know if she ever got it. Hope not. If she did find a soft-hearted but dumb soul, I hope he was as dumb as her and they both failed.

Where was I? Then there's the turns themselves. Most modern highways have right turn lanes. I see old drivers come to a near stop in the moving lane and then make the turn. The turn lane is so you can ease into the turn without disrupting traffic too much, you know. What did you think it was for...parking?

I'm going a little off topic now. Not much, this is still about the rules of the road. Now it's about shopping. Shopping carts, shopping aisles. Why do shoppers suddenly revert to British rules when driving their carts? If everybody drives on the right side, everybody keeps moving in an efficient fashion. Why is that so hard? It should be 2nd nature, you're already doing it in your car. Other things you can apply. Like looking before pulling out into an aisle.

One that annoys me to no end! Stopping in the middle of the aisle. Look around. Are there other people in the aisle? They probably want to go around you. Nooo. They have to excuse themselves, and usually louder than should be necessary, and more than once since you are oblivious. Pull the hell over! That's what you'd do on the road, isn't it? Isn't it???

It gets worse. Socializing in the middle of a busy aisle. Suddenly stop to chat with someone going the other way. Neither of you look around to see if this is a good place for a chat. I feel a bit uncomfortable having to interrupt your important conversation to say excuse me. And again more than once and louder since you didn't hear me the first time. One of the chatters is even facing me, but for some reason I went invisible.

I wish shopping carts had horns, or maybe those little hotel desk bells. Wouldn't that be cool? Not only would we get the oblivious ones' attention, it would get everyone's attention and they'd be embarrassed. Might get annoying but I think it's a fine idea. Maybe they'd learn.

I will admit that I'm guilty of occasionally stopping in the aisle without looking around. But I always realize what I've done right away and correct quickly.

One last rant. Cell phones. I notice if someone is following me too close, and I pump my brake lights in hopes they see I'm slowing down or coming to a stop. I'm really nervous if they have a phone stuck to their ear, and these days, 3 out of 5 do. If ever someone rear ends me while on the phone, I'm going to make the report call and then dash their fuckin phone on the ground!

It's polite to allow someone to pull in front of you when they are stuck in a parking lot waiting for a traffic jam to clear. I will let anyone in that position in. I'm just sitting there anyways, it's not going to slow me down any more. But if you are on the phone...no. Sit there and finish your damn call. You aren't paying attention anyways, so you won't notice me giving the go wave. I'm not going to sit there and wait for you to notice.

Well, I've gone on long enough about this. I will probably revisit this rant again sometime. There's more.

Good morning.